IF WE CAN'T FIND A WAY TO LAUGH AT OUR MISFORTUNES, WE'D GO STARK RAVING INSANE.
I knew I had plans Sat morning to take Ashlie to the Apple Store in the Brea Mall at 9:20am. (About 8 miles from my home) Her iPad was acting up and they were gonna check it out. (Turns out it was dying from internal hemorrhaging and had to be replaced) at any rate, as some of you already know, ever since I had the Total Colectomy surgery in 2006, I suffer from a little "leakage" problem, (I'll spare you the details but it is NOT a place you want to leak from). Because it can happen at any time and any place without warning, it makes it difficult to be away from my home (and toilet) for any length of time.
I sat on the toilet from 4am until 8:45 doing everything I could to "force", "strain", and "push" every single drop of doody out.
( Oh the curse of the leaky butt!! )
Sitting at the counter at Apple, with no cough to blame, or sneeze to accuse, with no little hint or clue, no little message from my butt to my brain telling me to get to a bathroom, (oh the shame & humiliation of it all...)
I could feel the gates opening, and the unmistakable feeling of the dreaded liquid poo making itself very comfortable in my pants. (Thank God for Depends!! As long as its not a geyser like Yellowstone park, Depends will contain the unwelcome visitor and not let it run down both legs and leave a trail on the floor.
So, no one around me is aware that I am sitting in a pool of poop. With every step, it uses my butt as a canvas to paint on. But then I still have to get into my car and drive home. Every mile becoming EXTREMELY aware of what is sliding around inside my pants.
By the time I am finally able to get into my bathroom at home, and VERY carefully remove my trousers, having already spread a big beach towel out on the bathroom floor, I start peeling the rather nasty Depends off. I HATE POOP! I especially hate LIQUID poop. And I REALLY hate having to sit in it and feel it smearing itself all over my butt!! As I said, it can happen at any time and any place, without warning. Sometimes I don't need to sneeze or cough for it to let loose, and since the surgery, the particular muscles needed to "clinch" or "hold it", no longer function as they should. When it happens, it just "happens". I can be sitting, standing, walking or laying down when I suddenly become acutely aware there is some unwanted activity taking place South of the Border.
As often as it has happened, by the Grace of God, I have so far managed to be lucky enough that no one around me has been aware of what is going on. Oh, there has been one or two "wardrobe malfunctions" with the wonderful product "Depends" on occasion. Having the correct size is of the utmost importance! The elastic bands at the leg openings MUST be tight enough to keep any "spillage" from slipping through and decorating both legs all the way to the toes.
(Allow me to attempt to "delicately" explain just how important that is, as well as never to assume anything)
I learned early on, that even if I was totally unaware of anything happening that I hadn't noticed, it is of the utmost importance to always "check" to see if anything HAD happened.
I had had, what I thought was an "uneventful" morning, and being June with warm weather outside, I decided to wear my knee-length denim shorts to go pick Ashlie up from school. I always get to the school a few minutes before the bell goes off and school let's out. Just outside her class is a small bench I sit on while I wait. The Sun was shining, the birds were singing, dozens of other parents and children were gathered about.
I shifted my weight and crossed my legs...and that's when I saw it!!
Apparently my morning had NOT been as uneventful as I thought!
Right there, in plain sight for all the world to see, were lovely, dried brown stripes running down both of my legs and ending inside my shoes!!
(Bear in mind I am Swiss/Irish, so my skin tone is absolutely "white". Not "slightly" white, but bright glow-in-the-dark white.) If you put marshmallows on my skin, you would never see them, that's how white I am. So the lovely brown "trails" down both legs stood out like James Earl Jones at a KKK rally.
Wearing shorts, there was no possible way to cover my exposed legs from view. The only thing I "could" do was to ever-so-nonchalantly take Ashlie by the hand and walk with her to my car, which, tho only perhaps 50 yards away, seemed to be the longest walk I have ever made in my life.
I will still wear shorts on occasion when the weather is just too hot for long pants, but from that day on, even if I believe there was no unwanted activity in my Depends, I do a THOROUGH inspection of both of my lily-white legs to make sure.
I've actually been thinking of experimenting with corks and heavy-duty duct tape.
So, dear friends, I hope you can see why it is so important to keep smiling thru adversity and always try to maintain a positive attitude. I used to say "don't judge me unless you've walked a mile in my shoes", now I say "until you've spent the afternoon away from home in my Depends.
